Say It Out Loud

“Suicide.”

There, your computer didn’t blow up. Your phone didn’t burst into flames.  If you want to empty a room in ten seconds flat start talking about suicide.

While I am honest and open about my own suicide attempt, I am keenly aware that this honesty might be difficult for you – depending on your personal experience. Please stay with me. Because life is a beautiful thing.

World Suicide Prevention Day is Sept. 10 and the start of National Suicide Prevention Week in the United States. All month long it’s Suicide Prevention Month.

For several years now I’ve been writing and giving speeches about mental health and suicide. Why do I do it?

I am blind by my own hand. By my mid-20s it seemed that a whole bunch of things had gone wrong in my life. I was divorced, I had lost my job, I had moved back in with my parents. To my idealistic 26-year-old self, they all felt like monumental failures.

From where I stand now I can see these events for what they were – tough breaks. But at the time all I could see, feel and experience was failure.

After three weeks in the hospital I returned to a changed world. What was I going to do next? How could I get on with life in a world I could no longer see?

I was lucky

Before I even left the hospital I met with a vocational rehabilitation counselor. I don’t remember much of what he said apart from the fact that two people would soon be entering my life. They would teach me how to live with blindness. Although it sounded good I was skeptical.

I had never known anyone who was blind. Heck, I had never known anyone with any disability. And I was still just as depressed as I had been when I shot myself. But what choice did I have?

At the time my life with blindness began there were two specialties within the profession of vision rehabilitation, rehabilitation teaching – now called vision rehabilitation therapy, and orientation and mobility – O&M. Today we also have low vision therapists and assistive technology instructors.

My rehabilitation teacher walked in the door for the first time just three weeks after I returned from the hospital. My O&M instructor came along about three weeks after that. These two individuals became the most important people in my life.

There wasn’t an app for that

Technology has been a marvelous leveling agent for people who are blind. I have six gadgets in my house that talk to me: three laptops, one desktop computer, a tablet, and a phone. I use technology for both recreation and work. None of that technology existed back then. I did not get my first talking computer until four years after I became blind. “Back in the day” when I was learning to live with blindness vision rehabilitation didn’t have any shortcuts. There were no apps. I couldn’t pick up my phone and say, “Call my husband at work.” The rehabilitation services I received were “by the book.” And that “book” was written by VA. Vision rehabilitation, as we know it today, was invented by the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, during and immediately after World War II. It was borne out of the dire need to help the many Veterans who returned from that war with new blindness.

I spent six months working with my rehabilitation teacher and almost a year working with my O&M instructor. And it was hard work.

Emotional adjustment

A year after becoming blind I chose to enroll in a master’s degree program at Western Michigan University. At the time the degree was in “blind rehabilitation,” now called blindness and low vision studies. Having just gone through the process of learning to live with blindness myself, I figured I could do a pretty good job in the profession.

There are many paths to learning to live with blindness. The path I took turned out to be the right one for me. For me, emotional adjustment to blindness was what happened while I was busy learning to live again.

Today

Fast forward thirty or so years. I work for VA. My current position is with the Office of Information & Technology Office of Organization Development and Engagement.

Next summer, my husband and I will celebrate 40 years of marriage. And lying on the floor just to my left is Quan, my fifth Seeing Eye dog. I’ve climbed mountains. I’ve rafted whitewater rivers. I’ve learned to ski. I’ve learned to live again.

If you live long enough your life will be touched by suicide – either your own or that of someone you know.

Is that an outrageous claim? No, it’s based on years of standing before audiences, telling my story, and listening to people afterwards. Every time I’ve given a presentation – every single time – More than one person has told me they have either considered suicide or attempted suicide. And the next words out of their mouth are usually, “And I’ve never told anyone until now.”

I Dare to Dream

My dream is a world in which suicide does not exist. Impossible perhaps but I’m going to dream it anyway. I know I, alone, can’t make that dream come true. All I can do is continue writing, standing before audiences, telling the truth.

Yes, life is a beautiful thing.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, pick up the phone and ask for help. Call 988 or text 838255

Stay alive. Ask for help.